NEW LIFE, NEW BLOG

We have already agreed that my adventures in Belgium cannot be described here, even less under a heading which says Paradise News. I thus invite you to join me on

La Nouvelle Vie,

where I will tell you all about my new life. I hope we will all enjoy it!

THE BLACK KASIA

The time for summing up has definitely come. The good, the bad and the in-between. The wrapping up of my African life. I feel a need for closure. I feel that, in order to start something new, I must inevitably say goodbye to the thing that ends. Up till now, I've been living in a post-Gabon bubble. Not so much looking ahead of me, I kept glancing back, reliving the last days in Africa, almost feeling the sunrays on my neck. I continued writing this blog. I struggled to keep every single memory. But these past few days something changed. I feel I'm ready to look ahead now, confident I cannot lose what has become an integral part of me. Things are to be gained, not lost. And so, with my suntan fading a little bit more every single day, I try to move on. Yes, the time for summing up has definitely come. Here we go then - the lists.

ONE: Among other things, I have learned...

• to be around African people and feel comfortable
• to be around kids and enjoy myself more than I had ever thought possible
• to accept even though I can't understand
  
• French
• what racism is and why you shouldn't stare
• to make a pizza
• to teach kids
• to wait, to look for alternative solutions, to anticipate all kinds of problems
  

TWO: I'm going to miss... or rather: I'm already missing...

• the interminable, stunning, deserted beaches of Gabon, its nature, its sun
• the Arc En Ciel kids, so much
• our friends
• our flat and the view from the terrace
• not having to worry about what to wear
• having clothes made to measure with the African pagne
• eating out at the cheap maquis... oh, the poisson grillé!
• travelling into the brousse
• writing this blog
  

THREE: The things I'm not going to miss...

• the constant sweating
• being called la white in the street
• malaria (and other diseases) threat
• not ever being able to make plans until the very last minute
• big huge ugly cockroaches
• public administration
• traffic in Libreville
  

These lists could probably go on and on. The point is, I have changed. I understand more and adapt better. Gabon is under my skin, just like Poland, just like Galicia. It has shaped me to be a better person.

My friends have shown me that it's possible to live on the move and that you can be happy everywhere, as long as the ones you love are with you. Travelling opened me to the ultimate way of experiencing nature. The African people, and especially the kids, taught me how happy you can be with very little. My job made me work on my creativity and improvising skills. Learning French made new things possible.

I managed to do something which I considered beyond my possibilities. Not giving up on Gabon when things got difficult was the best decision I could've made. And I got something priceless in return: a new facet of me, of whose existence I had no idea. The African me, the black Kasia.

This amazing portrait is the work of Fran - again, thanks so much!

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

More often than not our conversations focus on a subject which fills me with, well yes, excitement, but also a great deal of anxiety: our future. And I do not mean our future as a couple in the sense of babies and such, I mean our post-Gabon life.

Until recently I was mainly preoccupied with my moving here, starting to work, getting used to African life... I didn't think about the next stage, the present was too big and overwhelming. On the other hand, it was rather clear to us that at the end of 2010 we would get back to Europe or at least leave Gabon - we don't see ourselves as the Kapuscinskis of Libreville, who decide to devote their lives to the exploration of the Black Continent. Ok then. Leave Africa. And do what?

I feel I want to study. I want to be at university again and re-discover the excitement of a new pen and a fresh notebook. You see, I've always been a bit nerdy that way and I used to immensely enjoy the academic life. Used to, before Spain, before the thesis breakdown, before the university became a burden. I'm ready to get back now and give it another try. I'm consdering cultural management and recycling myself professionally - I think I've done enough teaching.

For Jandro it's also quite complicated. What can you do after working for the EU in Africa? Entering the EU structures is anything but simple and for him, for technical reasons, it proves to be impossible within the next two years. As far as his plans and ideas are concerned, I don't feel entitled to discuss them. I will only say that finding his professional way in a post-Gabon world might be a tad difficult.

To sum up, we're trying to go step by step. First: choose a country. Galicia is not an option: there is no work and the universities are mediocre. Poland? We'd like to spend some time there but not just yet: I think it's easier to study abroad and find work in Poland than the other way round. At the moment we are considering Madrid (big city, work options for Jandro and a renowned MA in cultural management) or Brussels (that means studying in French for me but I'm boldly hoping I'll be fit for it by the end of next year).

Our future remains in the shape of a question mark, then. It's been this way for me for over two years now, ever since I left Poland. At first it used to scare me a lot - if there is no perspective of another academic year, what do I do? Then I thought it was a passing stage and things would get sorted out at some point, the anxiety would go away. Now I realise that it is nothing unusual. The insecurity and uncertainty are part of something extremely natural, upon which we all stumble in the end. The inevitable transformation of caterpillar into butterfly - adulthood.

PROS AND CONS

Well, here it is. A bit later than planned but finally the moment has come: I'm going to Libreville again, and the big day is 13 August, this Thursday. Of course, I'm terrified. People keep asking me why on Earth I want to do this. I try to explain but, well, let's settle this in writing.

The cons are obvious and many. I don't speak French. The political situation is of the very attractive "you-never-know" kind. The sea breeze reminds you of an open oven. I can't possibly get a good job out there. There's no MTV and no Supersweet Sixteen. I'm really far away from my family and friends. I'm probably gonna miss my flight and get stranded on Charles de Gaulle. And it seems like I'm simply going after a guy. And then there are the diseases. Yup, believe it or not, I'm aware of all this.

Why am I going then? I don't speak French but I will learn. And I like languages, you know that. The work situation is problematic but I do already have a job there and even though it's teaching again (and this bugs me a little) I really want to give it a go. To live in that country, to live the culture and get to know the people, to learn learn learn, it's very exciting. And if teaching is the means to do this, teaching it is! I don't think I'm ready to settle just yet. Being away from Poland does hurt me a bit - after all I've just got back. But maybe that's the way it has to be? I learned to appreciate Poland while I was in Galicia and this new-found patriotism is very exciting, too. I think it will grow stronger still in Africa and I'm looking forward to it. And yes, of course I'm going after a guy (check out the cute cute picture) but not entirely. It's Gabon because he's there, clearly, but I'm also going after my personal need for adventure, travelling, seeing the world and just being out there. And sharing it with the person I love.

So, here I come, Libreville! Hope these kids are ready for their new English teacher!

Oh, and I will keep you posted! :)